Stigmatized
by Fall
Summary: Love just crawls on you and takes you by surprise, leaving you powerless to its force. But then, along with its heady effect is the reality of sacrifices... and pain. [Sanzo x Hakkai, yaoi lemon, angst, one-shot]


Date finished: 03 October 2002

Title: Stigmatized  
Series: Gensomaden Saiyuki  
Pairing: Sanzo x Hakkai  
Warnings: Angst, language, rated R for the yaoi lemon 

A/N: My first Saiyuki songfic on my favorite pairing. I hope I was able to do justice on my characterization of the characters of this wonderful anime.

This fic and any other Sanzo x Hakkai ones I'd make in the future would all go to the Sanzo x Hakkai mailing list - http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sanzoxhakkai/ - Come join us there if you like this pairing.

Standard disclaimers apply. The song used is The Calling's "Stigmatized", which came from their album, Camino Palmero.

For the** Reverand Maynard** who once told me writing lemons take some time to get used to if you're lemon-shy. For the record, this is only my 2nd lemon attempt. 

[--_lyrics_--]

* * *

"Stigmatized"  
by Fall

[-- _If I give up on you I give up on me  
If we fight what's true, will we ever be _ --] 

A sigh escaped Hakkai unaware. He slightly shifted on his side of the bed as he propped up his head to gaze at the man lying beside him. With a trembling hand he wiped the golden hair out of its owner's forehead, running his fingers through its silky texture. He marveled at its liquidity, very much like how water run through his fingers. An almost inaudible murmur escaped from him, waking the other man up from his slumber. He automatically smiled when a pair of violet eyes opened hazily to look up at him with an inquiring expression.

"What is it, Hakkai?"

"Nothing, Sanzo."

"Very well." Sanzo threw away the covers as he steadfastly stood up from the bed. Silence pervaded the room as he grabbed his clothes off the chair and started to get dressed. After shoving his gun inside his robe, he immediately headed out for the door.

"We're leaving this town in a minute." He said curtly to Hakkai and then left.

Another sigh escaped Hakkai. Sanzo was his lover, and yet it just doesn't sound right. No, it doesn't even feel like it was true. It was more of, he was Sanzo's lover, and it ends at that. No commitments, no long-term assurances. Hakkai kept on repeating to himself that he was rather content with what Sanzo offers him, knowing that it's a huge sacrifice on the monk's part to be able to convey any emotion but his cynicism.

And yet sometimes, he wished that there'll be more to their relationship than sex. That someday Sanzo would come out of his shell and say or do something, anything akin to love or affection. There were some instances when Hakkai was able to catch a glimpse of Sanzo's vulnerable side, and in all of them he saw someone willing to love and be loved. And in those times, he also saw a deep-seated fear, a fear that was connected to Sanzo's dark past.

But despite of his reasoning, he was aware that time would take its toll and render him tired of all this. A tiredness that would be enough for Hakkai to give up and succumb to what he thinks is inevitable.

[-- _Even God himself and the faith I knew  
Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you_ --]

"Oi Hakkai! Why the long face?"

Hakkai's mask immediately fell into place. "Nothing, Gojyo." He never failed to put up his empty smile, something that Gojyo was always able to see through, like looking on the surface of a stream. He never liked that smile, it was empty and lifeless. He wished for once his friend would say right out what he feels. Gojyo had a frown on his face when he made his blunt statement.

"It's that damn corrupt monk again."

"Oh no, Gojyo, I was just thinking of how I much prefer my bed to the leather seat of the jeep."

"Come off it, Hakkai. When will you ever admit that you've had enough of being used?" 

"I don't think being used to drive for a group on a journey is tiring," Hakkai remarked brightly. Gojyo snorted in disgust. 

"Baka!" He hissed. "And I thought you were the mature one." He stormed out of the inn, leaving the impression that he was royally pissed off with Hakkai's forced carefree manner. But Hakkai knew better. In the three years he'd known Gojyo, he knew his friend was more worried than mad with him most of the time. 

Sighing, he followed Gojyo, lifting the rest of their supplies off the table. A packet of cigarettes fell off, scattering its contents on the ground. Balancing his load, he bent down to pick up the stray pack. 

"Tch. Be careful, I don't like trampled cigarettes." 

This snide remark should have made any other person cringe, but to him, it somewhat held a tone of warmth. He offered a smile in reply, one of his rare true smiles. And although Sanzo's face held its usual displeased countenance, traces of emotion can be seen in his violet eyes. This alone made Hakkai kiss him softly on the spot. 

"Watch it, the stupid monkey's staring." Gojyo remarked sarcastically. 

"Shut up you horny kappa!" Goku said, yanking Gojyo's hair in retaliation. "Oi, Sanzo, Hakkai, don't mind us!" 

The two mentioned broke apart with a start. Sanzo muttered something under his breath and headed for the jeep. On the other hand, Hakkai just smiled as he picked up the scattered items. Gojyo once told him he was foolish if he keeps on holding to his hopes that Sanzo would love him out of bed. 

"Hakkai, we're waiting." 

"Sumimasen!" Gojyo must have been right, he was indeed foolish to hold on to that belief. 

[-- _Tease me, by holding out your hand  
Then leave me, or take me as I am  
And live our lives, stigmatized _--] 

Sanzo flicked open his lighter and lit another cigarette in the dark. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, stoically watching Hakkai as he slept. His lover looked peacefully asleep, yet he knew that Hakkai was much more relaxed when he is awake, for his painful past visited him more vividly in sleep than at any other time. Tentatively, he reached out to touch Hakkai's face, his fingers lingering slightly to trace the surface of the sleeping man's cheek. He suddenly flinched when emerald eyes opened up to gaze lovingly at him. Sanzo removed his hand and proceeded to light up another cigarette. 

"Don't stop, Sanzo," Hakkai murmured, his hand tugging at the sleeve of the monk's robe. Sanzo didn't make a sound of reply, but he did put out his cigarette and faced Hakkai. 

"Please, Sanzo," Hakkai breathed again, as he pulled Sanzo down on the bed with him. "Don't stop." 

One passionate kiss from Hakkai was enough to fire up Sanzo's desire. He knew how much Hakkai wanted him, knew how the other man ached for his intimate touches. Even though he wouldn't admit it, he himself burned with desire whenever Hakkai was near him. His immediate explanation was that he was human, and humans were expected to feel lust at some point of their lives. But at the back of his mind, another name other than lust has been trying to make itself known to him. Although he ignored it, he couldn't help but admit that his resolve was getting weaker with each day that he spends with Hakkai. 

They were both impatient to begin with, each matching up to the fiery sparks of want that the other elicited. Sanzo plundered his way down Hakkai's body, licking and nipping at random places as he felt the need. His tongue made swirling patterns down Hakkai's navel, pausing at the junction that holds the suffering member. Hakkai made an impatient sound and pushed Sanzo's head down. 

Sanzo made a sound that was akin to a chuckle. "Slow down, Hakkai." He murmured, breathing his words on the sensitive rod. Hakkai gave a shudder, which made Sanzo dart his tongue out to lick its head. He started to slowly lap at its length, wanting to torture Hakkai, and at the same time pleasure himself. His lover was gripping the bedcovers tightly as if holding on for dear life, emerald eyes glazed with passion as Sanzo's mouth engulfed him. 

[-- _I can feel the blood rushing though my veins  
When I hear your voice, driving me insane_ --] 

"Sanzo..." He breathed out. The sounds Hakkai were making was pushing Sanzo to his limits. His own hand flew to his own aching member, stroking it to lessen the pain. When Hakkai gave an enormous shudder and gave out a cry to warn Sanzo of his release, he was ready. He took in all of what Hakkai could give. He felt the angry pulsating throb of his veins and decided not to waste any more time. Withdrawing his mouth, he positioned himself to enter Hakkai's body. Normally, he would prepare him by entering a finger or two in his entrance, but tonight, Sanzo felt like he would explode with passion if he didn't indulge himself. 

Reaching out for the lubricant, he expertly splattered a generous amount onto his hands and slickly covered his cock. With a groan, he entered Hakkai in one mighty thrust, earning a sound of pleasure from him. As he worked his way in finding the spot he was aiming for, he busied his mouth by plundering through Hakkai's sweet mouth, wrestling with the tongue that insists on conquering Sanzo's own. 

[-- _ Hour after hour day after day  
Every lonely night that I sit and pray_ --] 

"Sanzo..." Hakkai groaned, as he loosened one of his hands off Sanzo's thighs and rubbed his member, which sprang back to life after its previous release. He pushed his body up to meet with Sanzo's thrusts, wanting to embed him deeper into his body. The heat of passion coming from their united bodies was making him heady, and he knew he was reaching the second peak of his orgasm. 

Hakkai gasped when he felt Sanzo's hand close on his member. "Sanzo..." He moaned, thrusting himself on the warm hand. He knew he must sound stupid, but then he can't help saying Sanzo's name over and over again whenever they made love. The only time that Sanzo's violet eyes ever held vulnerability in them was at his unguarded moments, and this moment qualifies as one. 

He shouted Sanzo's name as he felt his second release spray the bedcovers underneath him. Hazily, a memory of himself fleeted across his mind in an instant, a memory of himself studying Sanzo's sleeping form at night, wondering when the monk would say to him the words he'd longed to hear. He felt Sanzo shudder on top of him and stay stiff as he reached his own climax. He wasn't the least surprised when Sanzo ducked his head to kiss him roughly to block his own shout of release. As Hakkai felt the hot seeds pouring into his body, he felt the familiar ache in his heart as he held the man he loved in his arms. 

[-- _ Tease me, by holding out your hand  
Then leave me, or take me as I am  
And live our lives, stigmatized_ --] 

"Sanzo?" He whispered, as the monk pulled himself out of Hakkai's body and fell sideways on the bed. "How was it?" 

Sanzo gave a moan in response, holding out his hand to Hakkai, which the latter accepted by resting his head onto the monk's shoulders. They laid there quietly, each busy with his own thoughts, enjoying the peace they both felt whenever they were in each other's arms. Sanzo buried his nose into Hakkai's hair, enjoying the feel of it on his face. He was drifting off to sleep when Hakkai's sigh jerked him awake. He didn't hear it, rather, he felt it coursing through his chest where Hakkai's head was laid. 

"What is it, Hakkai?" Sanzo asked gently, shifting his head to look down at Hakkai. He didn't want to admit it, but he was alarmed at the expression he saw reflected in emerald eyes. It looked distant, and pained, very much like the expression he wore whenever his past with Kana is haunting him. Unconsciously, he tightened his hold onto Hakkai. 

"Ai shiteru, Sanzo" Hakkai mumbled almost incoherently, not wanting to perturb his lover. He waited for any sign of reaction from him before speaking again, chiding himself for hoping the impossible. Suppressing another sigh, he spoke clearly to cover up his disappointment at the impending end of Sanzo's unguarded moment. "Nothing, Sanzo. Let's go to sleep now." 

Sanzo wordlessly released him and settled down on his side of the bed, turning his back to Hakkai. He waited for a few moments for Hakkai to settle down too, and only after he was sure that the other man was soundly asleep did he release the pained sigh that was struggling to leave him when he heard Hakkai whisper his love for him. 

[--_ We live our lives on different sides,  
But we keep together you and I  
Just live our lives, stigmatized_ --] 

When Hakkai woke the next day, he wasn't surprised to see that he was alone on the bed, and Sanzo's things missing from the place on the floor where he dumped them last night. Slowly, he pulled himself up and started to get dressed. He noticed Hakkuryu was still asleep on the chair he'd turned onto a makeshift bed for the dragon. Smiling tenderly, he gently ran his hand on top of the dragon's head and adjusted its position. Hakkuryu opened one eye and gave a small sound of contentment. 

After fixing the bed and removing any sign of what happened last night, Hakkai stepped out of the room and headed outside for a brisk early morning walk. He needed to sort out his emotions by himself, far from the others' observation, especially Gojyo. That man was becoming more and more hostile to Sanzo by the minute, making him forget to tease Goku instead. It wasn't that they previously treated each other with respect or friendliness; actually, it was more of resignation and empathy that bound them together on this trip. 

But ever since Hakkai and Sanzo became lovers, Gojyo's behavior towards the monk worsened. Heaven knows how much he disapproved of this relationship, often finding some way of letting his fury seep through in some form of remark. He believed that Hakkai deserved to be with someone who'll protect and love him, not the other way around. In his eyes, Sanzo would never be able to live up to his standards, but then hadn't he tried to reason Hakkai out of it for days on end? Gojyo was tired of seeing his friend shrugging off the monk's indifference, silently suffering in a one-sided relationship, and hiding behind his mask of nonchalance. Throwing his half-consumed cigarette onto the floor, he muttered a curse and followed Hakkai into the forest. 

[-- _ We'll live our lives, We'll take the punches everyday  
We'll live our lives I know we're gonna find our way _ --] 

Hakkai shook his head as he leaned by a tree. He remembered Gojyo's words over and over in his head, scolding him for his weakness. Then Kana's memory appeared in his mind, calling out to him, asking him what's wrong._ "Daijobu, Gono?" _Hakkai murmured softly, "Kana, did I deserve this pain for loving someone else after you?" 

"It *was* foolish of you to fall for that immoral monk." 

Startled, Hakkai lifted his head up to face the speaker. "Gojyo..." 

Gojyo gave him a wink and replied. "Yes you've been stupid, but you don't deserve to be punished for that." 

Hakkai gave a small smile and inclined his head to gaze at the stars above him. "I loved too soon, ne Gojyo?" 

"I doubt she's screaming profanities at you, wherever she is," 

"Maybe she is, and I'm just ignoring her." 

"Kuso!" Gojyo muttered, not able to tolerate more of Hakkai's self-depreciation. He pulled Hakkai to him and draped an arm over his shoulder. "Come off it, Hakkai. You're abusing yourself," he said gruffly. 

Hakkai could only struggle to contain his emotions. He knew how much he was worrying Gojyo, and he didn't want to be the cause of a rift between his friend and Sanzo. Although he knew Gojyo could see right through him, he attempted to lie anyway. "Nothing's wrong, Gojyo," he cheerfully said, gently removing himself from his friend's hold. "Let's return to the inn, the others must be wondering where the hell we went this early." 

Watching Hakkai put back on his empty countenance, Gojyo could only think of one thing to vent his anger on. Narrowing his eyes at the shadows beyond, he silently addressed Hakkai. _"Tch. You aren't aware how bad a liar you are, ne Hakkai?"_

[-- _ I believe in you  
Even if no one understands  
I believe in you, and I don't really give a damn  
If we're stigmatized _ --] 

"Ne, Hakkai, aren't we near a town yet?" Gojyo demanded, as he lazily fanned himself. In the seat across from him, Goku was whining about his growling stomach. 

"I'm hungry ... Saaanzo," He whined, turning around in his seat to face Sanzo. Gojyo held him back, saying dryly, "Do us a favor and shut up will you? You're always hungry, you bottomless monkey." 

"Don't call me 'monkey', you horny water monster!" 

"Baka saru." 

"Saaanzo!" 

"Urusai!" Sanzo snapped, his patience stretched to its limit. Sleeping in the jeep for a night never agreed with him, and so spending three damn straight nights on it was enough to provoke his temper. They've been driving for days without a town in sight, and heaven help him if the stupid demons start bickering again. He doesn't want to waste his bullets on them, not that he cares, but then he needs those for other annoying creatures. 

"Hakkai, are we near a town yet?" Goku asked his friend behind the wheel, ducking as Gojyo made to swipe his forehead again. Noticing that Hakkai didn't even react, he prodded him on the shoulder. "Daijobu, Hakkai?" 

"Nani?" Hakkai asked, startled. He must have spaced out again, and judging from the others' looks, he really had. 

"Hakkai, I know you have an eye defect, but surely, your ears are working fine, anou?" 

"Sumimasen, Gojyo," Hakkai immediately said. "So did anyone...uh...ask me something?" 

Gojyo raised his eyes upward for help. "The monkey asked you if we're near a town." 

_A...town?_ Hakkai frowned, contemplating on the unfamiliar road ahead. Strangely, he didn't remember this path on the map. Realization dawning on him, he cheerfully informed his friends of his mistake. "I think we're lost." 

Goku blinked and repeated his words. "We're...lost?" 

"Didn't you hear him? I had no idea monkeys were deaf." 

"I'm not, you four-eared kappa!" 

"Four-eared kappa!" Gojyo cried in indignation. "I only have two, and mind you, the ladies --" 

"Stop the jeep, Hakkai!" Sanzo suddenly ordered. The two stopped arguing in surprise, with Goku gaping at Sanzo. "Nani?" He asked. 

"I said, stop the damn jeep!" 

"Hai!" Hakkai immediately stepped on the brakes, causing Hakkuryu to make a sound of protest. 

"The map," Sanzo held out his hand to Hakkai. 

Wordlessly, Hakkai handed it out to him. For a few confused seconds, the three of them silently watched Sanzo as he pored over the map, making grunting noises. Violet eyes glinted dangerously as he snapped at Hakkai. "You made a wrong turn, and now we're lost, dammit!" 

Hakkai flinched, although he tried hard not to show it. "Sumimasen, Sanzo." He avoided Sanzo's eyes, trying to understand his anger and shrugging it off. It was his fault anyway. He was starting up the jeep when Gojyo suddenly made his scathing remark. Like Sanzo, his patience too has reached its limit, and he'd had enough of watching Sanzo treat Hakkai coldly. 

"If you know better, why don't *you* drive?" 

"Gojyo!" Hakkai pleaded, making Hakkuryu stop and make concerned noises. "Piyu!" 

"Keep out of this, Hakkai." Gojyo narrowed his eyes. Turning his attention back to Sanzo, he continued. "You always use Hakkai for your personal convenience. Maybe you should ask him to bow down to you too. You'd like that, won't you, Sanzo?" 

Sanzo's eyes narrowed dangerously, but he didn't reply. His fingers itched to get to his gun, but then Goku suddenly stopped him. The boy was confused; he kept on looking at Gojyo, then at Hakkai, and then resting his gaze at Sanzo. He didn't like to see them in a situation like this, it was somehow unnerving him. "Sanzo?" 

Hakkai gripped the wheels in frustration. He was exhausted from driving for days with little sleep, his problems were taking their toll on him, and his blunder for getting them off the right path was screaming up at him. The last thing he needed was for Sanzo and Gojyo to fight. Hearing Goku's confusion didn't even help in the least. 

Making his decision, he suddenly stepped down from the jeep and briskly walked away to contemplate things on his own. "I'll be back in a minute", he called out in a carefree manner that didn't fool anyone. 

[-- _ We live our lives on different sides  
But we keep together you and I  
We live our lives on different sides_ --] 

"Kuso," Sanzo muttered, stepping down from the jeep himself. He turned to Gojyo and glared at him contemptuously. "Was that your idea of telling me what's on your mind, Gojyo?" 

Gojyo snorted derisively. "I take it Hakkai never told you you're stupid." 

To Goku's surprise, Sanzo didn't take offense at those words. Instead, he tilted his head to one side and contemplated it. "I've made a mess of things, alright." 

"Mess?" Gojyo gave a hollow laugh. "Are you so stupid that you can't even tell between a mess and deliberate idiocy?" 

Sanzo struggled to hold back his temper. If looks could kill, Gojyo would be dead by now. "Tell me then what's on your mind before you call me names. And better make it reasonable," Sanzo held up his gun and pointed it at Gojyo. "Or you go." 

"Tch," Gojyo grunted, giving Sanzo another contemptuous look. "I wouldn't be surprised if you force Hakkai at gun point." The monk's finger moved slightly, making Gojyo go straight to the point. "You were there that morning, Sanzo. What do you make of it?" 

Violet eyes narrowed more dangerously. He took out his lighter and lit a cigarette. "First you waste my temper, then you call me names, now you're ordering me," Sanzo's lips curled up in disgust. "And if I choose not to do it?" 

"Then I'll take him away from you." The answer was serious and straight to the point. Sanzo scrutinized the man before him, as if daring him to repeat his answer. Seeing that Gojyo was indeed serious with his statement, Sanzo tried to cover up the foreboding that he felt with an offhand remark. 

"I didn't know you want him." 

"Would you like to see me try?" 

"I won't read sutras for you when you die." 

When Gojyo didn't reply, Sanzo shrugged his shoulders and turned to Goku. "Don't look at me like that. You stay here with Gojyo, and I don't want to find the two of you fighting when I get back." Throwing his cigarette to the ground, he cursed aloud and went off to follow Hakkai. 

[-- _ We gotta live our lives,  
Gotta live our lives,  
We're gonna live our lives, _--] 

Son Goku was appalled at what had just transpired. He was used to Sanzo and his tempers alright, but seeing him worked up like that was something unsettling. Hakkai had also acted something out of the ordinary, which Goku had only seen him do once when Chin Issou was chasing them. But Gojyo acted the worse, going beyond his usual imperturbable self to be callous. Goku decided then that he would punish Gojyo for making Sanzo upset. 

"Oi Gojyo, what did you just do?" Goku asked, his golden eyes blazing with confusion as he picked up Gojyo by his shirt. "You made Sanzo upset!" 

Gojyo didn't look the least bit ruffled. "I did?" He gave out another hollow laugh, not minding the cigarette that lay forgotten between his fingers. Instead, he held it in his hands and watched the glowing embers consume the stick, going red in an instant then black in a blink of an eye. "He'd better be, or else." 

"You alright, Gojyo?" Goku was taken aback with his friend's reaction. Normally, Gojyo would turn to him and lash out whenever something's bothering him, something Goku was used to. The bickering they do were all just a part of their everyday lives, another way to save themselves from boredom and just another manner of friendship for them both. Timidly, Goku asked Gojyo a question he'd never thought the boy would ask. 

"Gojyo...did you mean it when you said that you'll take Hakkai away from Sanzo?" 

Avoiding the large golden eyes that bored a hole into his soul, Gojyo barely heard himself say, "We shall see." 

[-- _We're gonna live our lives,  
Gonna live our lives,   
Stigmatized._ --] 

~* Owari 

* * *

Further A/N: If you noticed, I barely used Japanese terms as opposed to various Saiyuki fics trend. One of my pet peeves with anime fanfiction is that of reading one with an almost incomprehensible mix of English and Japanese words. Therefore, I do without them as best as I could, only using a widely known term now and then.

You feel the story's hanging? Maybe. It's the way I see their relationship. No commitments; just allowing themselves to be bound together by unspoken emotions. If you can read between the lines, then you know what I'm talking about.

Comments and constructive criticisms are welcome, flames to be laughed at and passed around MLs I'm in. 


End file.
